Hannah 

 

 

 

How are you feeling right now?

A bit stir-crazy but thankful that my family can all live together in relative peace… generally trying to keep positive and occupied! 
 

How do you feel about your body?

​

My relationship with my body is not a particularly constant thing. Sometimes I think I’m the greatest thing to ever walk the earth, and sometimes I’d prefer to live in the sewers where no one can see me. I grew up being told that I was fat and ugly (thanks school bullies!) and my parents never had a particularly good relationship with food. I always felt as though I needed to be smaller, a feeling that only increased during secondary school, when everyone’s self-conscious 24/7. I was always being picked up on what I ate and the notion of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ foods was ingrained in my habits. However, I really like food, so I never managed to lose a significant amount of weight. I went through a long period of serious illness from the ages of 18-20, and that experience completely changed who I was as a person, including the way I looked at my body. It became something that survived, something that kept me alive and moving. I am much more confident in my choice of clothes than I used to be, and I’m well-educated in fatphobia and intuitive eating. However, the idea that one day I’ll be smaller and happier is something I cannot shake to this day. I don’t think I will ever shake it.
 

What do you think about the rules of how you’re supposed to dress at your size?

I’d say society’s general rules on plus-size fashion are fairly depressing. Of course, there are no actual rules other than the law against indecent exposure, but the unspoken rule is that size 18’s and over shouldn’t wear anything too revealing or short. Plus size women are especially encouraged to wear ‘flattering’ clothes for your shape, to minimise or mask ‘problem areas’. Objectively, I think these rules are patronising bullshit, and people should be able to wear whatever they like. I have had to train myself out of the mentality into which I was conditioned as a child, which is to look at someone on the street and think, ‘she shouldn’t be wearing that, she’s too fat.’ Instead, I examine that thought and replace it with ‘she looks confident and happy,’ or more simply, ‘it’s none of my business what she wears. It doesn’t affect me in the slightest.’ However, I’m not confident enough in myself to wear anything I like – some items of clothing I am perfectly happy to wear around the house but would feel to self-conscious to wear out in public. So, even though the rules are bullshit, I do follow them, to my own disappointment.
 

Have you ever felt sexualised by your size?

Not in the slightest, really. My overriding mental image of fat women in the media is either being glorified by self-confidence (e.g. Lizzo, who is confident in her body but doesn’t make me feel sexualised in my own size) or being the subject of derision and disgust in the comments of Instagram and Twitter.
 

What do you think the assumptions are that people make about you?

​

I honestly don’t know, but I tend to assume the worst, so I’d say people would assume I’m lazy and greedy due to my size. I think people assume I have no willpower or self-control.
 

Do you think losing weight would change the way people see you?

Absolutely. I think I would be treated differently by everyone, particularly my own family. I am quite cynical about people, so I assume I would be treated better in general if I were to lose a significant amount of weight. I don’t think my close friends would treat me any differently, but then I’ve picked some good ones. 
 

What do you think you’ve struggled with the most?

 

I think I struggle most with the balance between wanting to lose weight and wanting to be confident in my body as it exists now. I can never shake the need to be smaller, the guilt around eating nice food, or the habit of buying clothes in smaller sizes as ‘goals’ for weight loss. Being trapped in these ways of thinking, I feel like I’m letting down all women, and especially the body-positive community and my body-positive friends. I feel like I’m saying that because I need to be smaller, they should be smaller too, when I don’t think that at all. On the other hand, when I have moments of confidence in how I look now, it’s always overcome by a voice saying, ‘but you can’t stay like this. You look even better if you lost weight!’ Knowing what I know now, as opposed to ten years ago, I would actually feel guilty and shallow if I ever lost a large amount of weight. But I still want to do it. So that’s a neat struggle!

​

How do you feel being naked?

On my own, it doesn’t really bother me – I’ve never been disgusted or traumatised by the sight of my naked body, nor have I been delighted by it. However, I’d prefer if no one else saw it. I really admire people who can just parade around naked with confidence – that thought is very alien to me, so I’m glad other people can find joy in it.
 

How do you feel about shopping?

Shopping bores me to tears most of the time, mainly because if I spot something cute, on closer inspection it’s usually a rack of size 8 and 10’s. If I do find my size, it’ll be because I rifled my way to the very back of the rack, and then it usually isn’t something cute after all. In the past, when shopping with friends, I’ve felt the need to hide the sizes on the clothes I picked up, so they wouldn’t see. I love shopping online most of the time, as websites like ASOS stock up to 18/20 in their main collection, and they have a dedicated plus-size line which isn’t full of shapeless sack dresses and skimming jeans. Their models are all actually plus-size, not the runway version of plus-size. They don’t airbrush rolls or stretch marks, so it’s really refreshing to see what my body would actually look like in the clothes I’m buying.
 

What do you love the most about you?

I love my hair, my long eyelashes, my clear skin and my intelligence. I also love that I can pick up new skills quickly, I have a good memory and I think I’m a good friend. And I have nice nails.
 

When do you feel the most beautiful?

I feel most beautiful when I’ve made an effort with my makeup, because I really enjoy doing it. I love wearing clothes that 12-year-old me would have shuddered at the thought of wearing, like dungarees, crop tops and dresses (I basically didn’t think I should be seen in anything other than jeans and a t-shirt. Tragic.)
 

Why is your skin a good place to be in?

Honestly, because it’s the only one I’ve got. Being ill has taught me that other than anything, I’m quite happy to be alive. I’m clever and able, I have a great relationship with my mother, and I don’t hate the sight of my own face or body. That’s enough for now.