Rosie 

 

 

How are you feeling right now? 

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Right now I feel like I am in a kind of liminal, in-between space in my life. As frustrating as this can be at times, I am appreciative of the opportunity it is giving me to reflect on myself and my life and to reframe how I view myself in relation to the rest of the world. I am excited to be taking part in this project as it is giving me a reason to explore my own vulnerabilities through sharing my experiences of size prejudice. I hope that others will resonate with what, for me, have often had very isolating experiences and that by speaking out others will realised they are not alone in their own experiences of size discrimination. 

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How do you feel about your body? 

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I am 28 now, and if I'm being honest, I have probably struggled with negative body image for the last 17 years. As I approach the end of my twenties, I am trying to repair the relationship I have with my body focusing more on the things that my body does for me as opposed to how it measures up against society's beauty standards or whether it is visually pleasing for other people. I guess I am in a place where I am finally trying to treat my body with the respect it deserves by practicing self-love and trying to apply the principles of body positivity and body neutrality to my own lived experience. This is definite an ongoing process and every day is different. There are days where I really struggle with my body and just want to step out of my skin and be momentarily free from all the stigma and anxiety that occupying a 'curvy' or 'plus-size' body brings. Then other days I feel increasingly grateful for my body and all the things it can do and think how amazing it is that human bodies can go through so much and hurt, heal and still carry on. Mostly I try to think of my body as what it is: a constantly evolving set of cells that sustains my existence.

 

I think it's sad historically, ideology surrounding the female body has been so reductive that we have forgotten how incredible our bodies truly are. On a personal level, I feel annoyed that I have spent so much time hating my body when I could have been loving and nurturing it instead. Growing up it often felt like there were only two ways of existing: 1) to be thin and love yourself, or, 2) to be fat and hate yourself, there wasn't much space for anything in between. Although society feels much more inclusive now than it did ten years ago- finally acknowledging body types that are 'other than' the privileged norm - I think there is still a long way to go to essentially 'normalise' normal body shapes, types and sizes. 

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What do you think about the rules of how you're supposed to dress at your size? 

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I really resent the fact that there are any rules at all about how anyone should or should not dress relating to your size. Yet rules about how plus sized women are supposed to dress seem to be etched in invisible ink on every surface in society. Some of the most recognisable 'rules' are things like always being advised to wear black because it will make you look 'slimmer' (as if this should always be your ultimate goal in life). Or that you should avoid horizontal stripes and bold patterns and avoid wearing certain cuts of material or fabrics that might 'cling' to you. The underlying rule seems to be that you shouldn't dress in such a way that draws any attention to any part of your body that society might find 'flawed' or 'displeasing'. These rules basically send the message that if your size doesn't conform to society's very singular standard of beauty, i.e a thin, white woman, then you should essentially just erase yourself by adhering to certain rules that mute your social visibility. Like most size-prejudice attitudes, 'rules' of dress feel like just another strategy to stifle the freedom of self-expression for plus-size women. 

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Have you ever felt sexualised by your size? 

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Yes, I have. I think plus-size and curves bodies are inherently sexualised in society. A lot of the time it seems like plus-sized bodies are either fetishised to the point of abstraction or sexualised for comedic effect. There seems to be an expectation that if your are curvy or occupy a plus sized body then you should have a 'thick skin' and just be able to handle unsolicited physical attention, sexualisation and fat-shaming under the guise of 'banter'. It's almost as though your size is an open invitation for other people's opinions and that you are expected to just accept being sexualised as part and parcel to what society perceives as the 'choice', you have been made to inhabit a 'fat' body. 

 

What do you think the assumptions are that people make about you?

 

I think as a woman I feel constantly judged by society anyway but being a woman in a plus-sized body really amplifies that sense of judgement. I worry a lot of people don't have the ability to see past body size and thus just write you off based on assumptions derived from your physical appearance. For me my biggest concern its that people just assume that unless you have a thin body you must be lazy or not really care about your appearance or that you've 'let yourself go'. I think people make all kinds of assumptions about you; that you lack self-control, don't like physical activity, don't prioritise your health, aren't capable of hard work, that you have a really unhealthy diet, that you must be selfish, the list is endless...

 

Incidentally, these are not assumptions that I make when I meet or look at plus sized/curvy women, but it feels like these are assumptions are so deeply embedded in society that viewing yourself through this lens is unavoidable. 

 

I think people also assume that if you are plus sized you can't be happy in your body and that the only acceptable way to be plus size is if you are on a diet or at least making some concerted effort to move away from what society deems as unacceptable by attempting to lose weight. I have personally felt that there is an expectation that if you are plus-sized you should also be very loud and outgoing. It sometimes feels like your 'choice' to have a plus-sized or curvy body somehow voids your right to be a sensitive individual. 

 

Do you think losing weight would change the way people saw you?

 

Unfortunately, even in the age of body positivity, it feels like there is still so much systemic discrimination geared towards curvy and plus-sized bodies that yes, I do think losing weight would undoubtedly change the way some people see me. That said, I like to think that losing or gaining weight would not change how the people who really matter see me. 

 

What do you think you've struggled the most with? 

 

The simultaneous sensation of feeling intensely visible (because of my size) yet feeling invisible at the same time, marginalised and disregarded by society (because of my size). The way society fosters fat-phobia from such a young agenda teaches us to worship thinness. The way society polarises our bodies into 'fat and 'thin' and how these terms define and punctuate both our expectations and experiences within society. Feeling 'undesirable' and like I don't align with anyone's definition of beauty. Diet culture and how weight is weaponised against us in an attempt to eclipse our true worth. 

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How do you feel being naked? 

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I remember being the heaviest I had ever weighed and consciously thinking wow this is actually the most confident I have ever felt in my body. In a strange way - strange because society has always taught me to hate the way I looked - outside of the spectrum of social 'acceptability' and looking at my own body objectively just for how it was in that particular moment, I remember feeling like I loved all the curves and contours of my figure. I think, although I didn't realise it at the time, this was quite a pivotal moment in my realising how society frames and dictates the way we think about our bodies. As women we are taught to constantly survey ourselves through the eyes of others, it is this second pair of eyes that, for me, causes so much anxiety. There is a constant dual-dialogue going on internally between how I feel about my body and how I think 'society' feels about my body. It's an interesting thought experiment to ask yourself whether if you were dropped on a desert island wth nobody around would you still feel all the insecurities about your body that society has cultivated in you or would you actually just feel comfortable with your own nakedness? It is only when I think of my body in the context of society and its expectations that it causes me to feel such anxiety.  

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How do you feel about shopping? 

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I have always found clothes shopping as a curvy, plus-sized woman to be really frustrating and at times a pretty unpleasant, discriminatory experience. Although brands are becoming much more size inclusive nowadays, in my late teens there was really very little choice for anyone larger than a size 16. I just remember feeling at certain points like I was being excluded from mainstream fashion and that what I was wearing was being dictated by what was available to people of 'my size' as opposed to being able to dress in line with my own individual tastes. Whilst the choices available now have most definitely improved, expanding in with the broadening social landscape of body culture, I still feel the shopping experience leaves a lot to be desired for plus-size women.

 

In my opinion some brands that are aiming to cater to plus sized bodies are actually being counterproductive by having ranges specifically labelled as 'curve' or 'plus-sized', to me it doesn't really feel inclusive but a bit degrading. Having specific ranges labelled in this way is really just another example of society dictating the rules of what women in larger bodies should be wearing. Why not just extend the size ranged available in the mainstream product lines, instead of reinforcing the stereotype that larger bodies have to be put into a separate 'box' from 'normal' sizes. This notion of exclusive inclusivity just seems gimmicky and doesn't really work for me. Ultimately it just reinforces the notion that we are still not able to access all of the styles that are readily available for the thin bodies that society privileges. Rather than giving us agency it is just highlighting our lack thereof, telling us we can only choose from what has already been chosen for us. 

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What do you love most about you? 

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I love how determined I am and the fact that I know no matter how tough things get I can always count on myself to never give up on me. Despite all the discrimination I have experienced and the self-loathing that ensued, I love the fact I am now in a place where I am ready to commit to my own healing and happiness. 

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When do you feel the most beautiful? 

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I feel the most beautiful when I am doing things that I love, whether that is exploring the world, spending time in nature, reading a good book, looking at great art, taking photos, designing, writing, things that really embody the full spectrum of who I am as a person. I feel most beautiful when I am with the people I love, who I feel supported by and who I know love me for who I am outside of my physical appearance. I also feel beautiful when I allow myself to be vulnerable. 

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Why is your skin a good place to be in?

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My skin is a good place to be in because I have so much more to offer the world than just my physical appearance. Despite all the negativity, I love that simply existing in a plus size body is an act of defiance. Just by being me and having done everything I have done in my life, in my 'curvy', plus size body I am answering back to society's prejudices. Honestly there is nothing more liberating than defying society's expectation of you purely by existing. I have always felt it my personal mission to turn anyone's understanding of me into a personal liberation. As I get older, I realise that 'perfect' doesn't exist and that the pursuit of perfection is just another device to distract women from realising their true potential. However much you weigh, however beautiful you are perceived to be, whatever you do or don't do, there is no way to escape judgement and no state is permanent and everything is transitory so you may as well just embrace your own journey in the skin you are in. I realise that self-acceptance is going to be a long and challenging process but after feeling like my relationship with my body has been dictated by society for so long, I am now finally taking back control over my own narrative.