Lily 

 

How are you feeling right now?

 

Pretty okay. Writing this in the middle of the Covid-19 lockdown so everything’s a bit weird isn’t it! But mentally fine, at the moment. And in general, I’ve been feeling physically and mentally better this year and last year compared to previous years. I'm mostly pretty cheery.

 

How do you feel about your body?

 

I try not to think about it much anymore. I try to value other stuff about myself, and to eat well, and not deprive myself (because I love food) and to move regularly (not always fast though). I was always a bigger child and saw a nutritionist because I was told I was obese when I was at primary school. I remember being given all these rules and it was really hard as I just loved to eat. Which I’m sure was a coping mechanism for other things. I was very self-conscious the whole time I was at secondary school- I don’t have a lot of photos of myself as I was always hiding or deleting photos that had been taken of me and I remember constantly adjusting clothing and hunching over to hide my body. I also used to always sit with a cushion on my lap to cover my belly when I sat down, and I still do this as a habit. I never felt confident in my friend group and always felt like the ‘funny one’, who boys were never interested in. In sixth form I had bulimia which last about two years, and then behaviours have recurred in the years since, but I think I’m okay now. That was hard though because people found me a lot more attractive because I was thin, but I had zero energy and my periods stopped and I just felt pretty shit. I think I feel pretty neutral about it now.

 

 

What do you think about the rules of how you’re supposed to dress at your size?

 

At the moment I feel like I’m in a funny middle ground. I’m not technically plus size in high street clothing, although I would be by designer label standards. Despite this there are still lots of occasions where I can’t find my size, or I find it hard to find the right size for me or clothes that flatter me. As someone who doesn’t have a ‘gym’ body and has body fat, I guess I feel like I should wear ‘flattering’ clothes and not wear anything tight. I do mostly just wear what’s comfy but I have been trying to move away from this and buy stuff that’s a bit more exciting, and not worry if it shows particular bits off. 

 

Have you ever felt sexualised by your size?

 

I would say the opposite- so many body types have gone through fashions of being sexualised, or sexualised by particular fetishes or people, but not my middle-y body size in my experience. I’m not ‘skinny’ or particularly ‘curvy’, just middle-y and a bit lumpy (ha ha). I have felt sexy sometimes, depending on my mood, and what I’m wearing, but never especially sexualised due to my size. But an absence of being sexualised for one reason or another can also lead to bad feeling e.g. feeling rejected or unwanted, even if the attention others are getting by being sexualised by their body is inappropriate or misogynistic. 

 

 

What do you think the assumptions are that people make about you?

 

That I don’t eat well. Or that I don’t exercise much. People have such narrow notions of what bodies that eat healthily and exercise look like but I don’t come under those body stereotypes. I think some people would assume that I’m a confident person too, because I try and carry myself more confidently now, and I make an effort to try and be friendly to new people and not to appear shy. But I still have some of those feelings sometimes. 

 

 

Do you think that losing weight would change the way people saw you?

 

From experience, yes. I felt a lot more sexualised and objectified when I had an eating disorder and was ‘skinny’ and got a lot more attention in general. I also think that if you are perceived as being ‘slim’ or having a ‘good body’ some people find you less approachable and more intimidating, whereas they see people who are a bit chubby or have more fat to be friendlier and more approachable. Even now when a lot of people are hyper aware of trying to be more body positive and to not comment on people’s weight, whether its losing or gaining, I’ve heard friends complement each other on looking ‘skinny’ or losing weight in a positive way. 

 

 

How do you feel being naked?

 

I don’t mind it at the moment. I don’t love it- I don’t really like stare at myself in the mirror and I wouldn’t really walk around the house naked. But I don’t mind my boyfriend seeing me naked- which has changed because I used to never let anyone see me naked and would only get naked if all the lights were off, ha. There are bits of me I don’t mind naked, and there are other bits I don’t like. Sometimes when I get in the shower, I find myself pinching and pulling bits to see what would look better if it wasn’t there, which isn’t good, but I don’t dwell on it too much…

 

 

How do you feel about shopping?

 

Hate it. There are a few clothing brands which I know are ‘generous’ (realistic) in their sizing so if I need something new, I stick to them, and go and buy something which I know fits and I won’t get stressed trying it on. But I never go and try stuff on really. It just makes me cry. And I reason with myself and try and think about the fact that it’s the highstreets sizing that’s fucked and its not to do with my body, but it still gets to me. Its just demoralising. And I find myself getting envious of people who can just wear anything in any style. So, I don’t really shop anymore, I just wear the same things that I know are comfy and fit okay. I am trying to be bolder and try wearing more fun stuff though. And also, not worry about the number on a label, because it doesn’t matter as long as its comfy. But there’s always that stigma in the back of your mind that it’s a ‘large’ size.

 

What do you love the most about you?

 

I think that I’m kind, and that I’m thoughtful. I’ve done a lot of work helping vulnerable people, and that’s what I’m really passionate about, and I’m lucky to get paid to do it. And I think I’m good at it, as I’m good at listening to people and thinking sensitively and rationally about things. So, I think I love that stuff about myself more than anything physical about myself. Which I guess is good as the physical stuff is always changing anyway. 

 

 

When do you feel the most beautiful?

 

Dancing/eating/drinking with my friends. Laughing with my boyfriend. When I’m happy. Probably not when I actually try and dress up or try and wear nice makeup. I like my tattoos though, I feel good when I have a new tattoo, or I can show them in the summer.

 

 

Why is your skin a good place to be in?

 

It’s a more comfortable place to be in now than it has been. I can go out by myself in public without feeling overly self-conscious or anxious which is positive. And there are times when I feel attractive which is nice. But I guess I’m most glad that I’m good at pushing physical stuff to the side and working on personality stuff and making and maintaining connections with others.